|Posted by doktakra on March 12, 2010 at 1:43 PM||comments (0)|
It's hard to believe that it's been over 25 years since Mr. T made his groundbreaking debut as Clubber Lang in Rocky III or that he's only made sporadic TV show and movie appearances since The A-Team last aired in 1987. That's probably because this helluva tough man has never met an endorsement deal he didn't like, lending his name to all kinds of embarrassing advertisements and merchandise. It's now gotten to the point where it's difficult to not be pitied by Mr. T, when he continues to insult fools who, among many other things, don't eat Snickers, play World of Warcraft, buy Hitachi Data Systems, wear Hanes double tough socks, or use his Flavorwave Oven.
After sifting through over 3,000 of his products on eBay, I've decided to highlight a few of my favorite finds, all of which encompass his trademark mohawk, gold jewelry, and of course, the hilarious, but never outplayed catchphrases. And if you're wondering, Michelle has forbidden me from buying any of these, which is somewhat understandable since I already own two dozen Rocky figures (not dolls, as her father calls them). Let's get to it.
Mr. T's Water War: From what I understand, you hook this Mr. T head to a hose, and wait for one of your friends to run in front of it (or for a neighbor to walk over to find out why the hell there's a Mr. T head on your lawn). You then hurl a wet sponge at Mr. T's head (note: I don't recommend throwing anything at Mr. T, under any circumstances), and he humiliates the person by squirting water into the sucka's face. That'll team 'em to quit their jibba jabber.
Mr T. Super Teeny Bouncers: When you're as comfortable with your masculinity as Mr. T, there's no reason why you can't endorse a product that claims your balls are not only super teeny, but also "unbelievably bouncy." I'm pretty sure most of us would've been okay without knowing either of those facts.
Mr. T Gold Chain Bubble Gum: That's right, chewy wonderfulness apparently shaped like one of Mr. T's chains. From the looks of it, the flavor is actually "gold chain." He even manages to push his other merchandise on the packaging, informing us that he "pities the fool that passes up the offer on the back." Of course he does.
Mr. T Chia Pet: If you're anything like me, then you've undoubtedly dreamed of growing a mohawk, but couldn't do it on your own head without being ridiculed by your friends and likely fired from your job. Problem solved! Originally given to a select few during a 1996 TV Land promotion, it now goes for around $40 in mint condition. A bargain, if you ask me.
Mr. T Cereal: When Mr. T insists that "it's cool" about 14 times in the commercial, you figure it has to be pretty damn awesome. The problem is that the cereal is nothing more than plain, yellow T-shaped "Cap'n Crunch" pieces. Now, if it had marshmallow Mr. T heads, then you'd better believe I'd eat a bowl right now. I wouldn't even care that it was discontinued shortly after it was released in 1984.
Mr. T Air Freshener: I'll admit this air freshener is a hell of a lot more intimidating than one of those wimpy pine trees. But as nice as it would be to have Mr. T's scent with me at all times, I'm not sure I want my car to smell like a large, sweaty man...well, more so than it does already.
Mr. T's Commandments: On the heels of his motivational video, "Be Somebody...or Be Somebody's Fool! (best title ever?), Mr. T released a seven-track children's rap album. Along with memorable hits like the jazz-influenced, "The Toughest Man in the World," "No Dope, No Drugs," and the touching "Mr. T, Mr. T (He Was Made for Love)," it includes the indescribable, "Treat Your Mother Right." Go ahead and watch this video I guaranteed it'll be the best three minutes of your day.
Mr. T Eraser: I couldn't find one in the original packaging, so I don't know if the legs are sold separately from the inexplicably pale and creepy torso. Nor can I confirm (but strongly suspect) the tag line is, "I pity the fool who makes mistakes!"
Mr. T Rubber Duckie: I won't lie, I'd be a little frightened to get into the tub next to one of these things myself, much less allow my child to get within 10 feet of it. But if you dare, I'd recommend getting this fantastic Mr. T Soap on a Rope to complement your bathing experience and wash your armpits with his face.
Mr. T Super Hero Disguise / Mr. T Pez Dispenser: Gah, it can see into my soul! Good luck sleeping tonight...
|Posted by doktakra on March 27, 2009 at 10:28 AM||comments (11)|
I'm fascinated by R. Kelly...er, his music, not any of those extracurricular activities. I remember getting the cassette single for "I Can't Sleep Baby (If I)" after hearing it on MTV Jamz with Bill Bellamy way back in 1996, and getting hooked on Kellz. But I sometimes wonder if he's in on the joke, or if he really thinks "Trapped in the Closest' is a work of genius and not unfathomably absurd and unintentionally hilarious. Now, I can just copy and paste the lyrics to the 22 (and counting) chapters and call it a day, but instead, I present to you, the most ridiculous R. Kelly songs I've ever heard that don't involve midgets and nosy neighbors. Most of these come from his recent albums (Double Up is epic) leading me to believe that he's slowly getting more and more insane in his forties (!).
"Real Talk," Double Up: I don't think I realized the extent of R. Kelly's insanity before I heard this song and saw the (YouTube exclusive!) video. He strolls around like a damn fool with his partly-braided hair, while we get to hear his side of a conversation with a woman. This consists of him cursing her out for three solid minutes (language warning, obviously). He doesn't bother staying on beat or rhyming half the time, and just in case we forget, he keeps reminding us that it's "REAL TALK!" Sample 'lyrics,' which really need to be heard to get the full experience:
"F*** me? Girl, f*** you! / I dont give a f*** about what you're talking about."
"I'm sick of this bulls*** / Coming home and getting my s*** and gettin' the f*** up out in a Dodge."
"The next time your ass get horny, go f*** one of your funky-ass friends / Hell yeah, you probably doing that s*** anyway." (note: this might be my favorite R. Kelly line ever)
Um, yeah...I have no words. And if that's not enough, there's a (clearly staged) fight at the end and he mercifully tells the cameraman to stop filming this mess.
"Sex Planet,'' Double Up: If you can get past him talking about "getting close to a fine-ass chick," in the intro, you'll get treated to Kellz's best spaceship metaphors. It's starts out innocently enough, but then he takes it way too far, even by his standards: "I'm about to twinkle and touch your soul / Once I am touring to your black hole," and "Girl, I promise this will be painless / We're gonna make a trip to planet Uranus" are my personal faves. I mean, I don't think these lines were clever in middle school.
"The Zoo," Double Up: Kellz saves some of his fanciest come-ons for this one: ''I got you so wet, it's like a rainforest / Like Jurassic Park, except I'm your sexosaurus, babe." I'm taking furious notes. And how does he see nothing wrong with having monkey noises in the background?
"I'm a Flirt," Double Up: It's catchy and became a huge Billboard hit, but I have no idea what he's talking about here:
"Yeah, homey, you say she yo' girlfriend / But when I step up to her I'ma be like, 'cousin'" -- What???
"Just soon as she go to the bathroom, playa I'm gon holla at her" -- Um...didn't you just face some serious charges for doing that stuff?
"She be callin' me 'daddy,' and I be callin' her 'mommy' / She be callin' you Kelly, when yo' name is Tommy" -- Interesting, but wouldn't she call Tommy, "daddy" if we go by that logic? Or did I miss the whole point? Is there a point??
"Ignition (Remix)," Chocolate Factory: I thought it was a self-parody when I first heard it ("now usually I don't do this"), but now, I'm not so sure. I could just quote the whole song here, but here are a few choices lyrics. "You must be a football coach / The way you got me playin' the field" has to rank among the worst pick-up lines of all-time, and "Now it's like Murder She Wrote / Once I get you out them clothes," leaves me scratching my head every time. Is Kellz is a huge Angela Landsury fan? Somehow, I doubt that...but you know what, let's just move on.
"F*** You Tonight:" This is actually a smooth Notorious B.I.G. track from Life After Death, but I'm mentioning it because it contains the following unfortunately homoerotic line from the Pied Piper himself: "B.I.G. / bring that ass to me!" I don't know was he was going for there, and I'm a little frightened. Also of note is Kellz's guest appearance on T-Pain's "I'm 'N Luv Wit A Stripper (Remix) -- a work of brilliance in its own right -- where he charms a lady with his seductive side. "I must be the first man to ever fall in love with an ass / gonna bend down on my knees, and ask that ass to marry me ... I wanna stick it, wanna kiss it / If I could, I'd put my whole damn head in it." Um, I don't recommend doing either of those things, but that's just me.
"Might Be Mine," 12 Play: 4th Quarter: Kellz insists "this is a true story," as if there's anything he could say possibly say that I wouldn't believe at this point. The song is about a call he receives from an attorney representing a stripper who's pregnant with this child. I don't even know where to begin here. First of all, in typical Kelly fashion, it sounds like he's just reading a transcript of the phone call ("Then said, "who's this again" / He took a breath and said, "you heard me the first time"). And second, you'd think a 40-year-old man wouldn't drop gems like, "I went on to tell 'em that I hit it raw." The chorus confirms that he in fact didn't use protection, and informs us that while "there's a very good chance that it might be [his]", he "[doesn't] even like this girl!"
"Feelin' On Your Booty," TP2: The subject matter doesn't even phase me and it wouldn't make the list if Kellz didn't start scatting, "booga-booga-boo-tee!" at the end before cracking himself up Jimmy Fallon-style. He also inexplicably decides to yodel at the 3:40 mark of "Can We Get Up On a Room" (R), which almost ruins an otherwise nice slow jam for me.
"I Like the Crotch on You," 12 Play: For the name alone...ugh. I'm sure I missed a few, but I'm starting to talk like R. Kelly in my head, and that can't be a good thing for anyone.
|Posted by doktakra on January 17, 2009 at 1:21 PM||comments (3)|
I'm not a big magazine person -- or a book person, for that matter -- but I like to skim the occasional US Weekly to catch up on the last celebrity gossip (don't judge me). I've also had a subscription to Entertainment Weekly for the last few years, but only because happens to be excellent reading material for the toilet -- what, like you don't do it? That said, there are a few magazines out there that I won't ever buy on principle alone...
Vibe: I don't know if this is common knowledge, but I didn't know that Vibe has a policy against putting white musicians on the cover until Robin Thicke explained it in a recent interview. First of all, what about the time they put Eminem on the cover and also named him the best rapper alive (don't even get me started on that ridiculous 'contest')? But more importantly, I wouldn't expect anyone to have a closed-minded view like that in this day and age. Imagine the outrage if a "white" magazine like Rolling Stone said they wouldn't put any black artists on the cover. In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that I have a free subscription to Vibe through some promotion, and I really enjoyed the nude Ciara issue a few months ago. But I won't buy it in stores after the subscriptions ends...well, unless another beautiful naked woman is on the cover.
Blender: For a magazine that calls itself "the ultimate guide to music," the editors need a lesson in hip-hop. Check out their picks for the 40 Worst Lyricists in Rock (where "rock" apparently means all genres of music) -- how the hell does Common make that list? He's at #36 and KRS-One is at #25, while Kevin Federline is at #30. Seriously? Maybe I could understand if this was published after he released the cringeworthy Universal Mind Control, but this was in 2007, when Be and Finding Forever were critically acclaimed just about everywhere. And their choice for worst lyric isn't even from Common -- it's from Canibus, who is featured on "Making a Name for Ourselves." What do Cam'Ron and the Ying Yang Twins have to do to get mentioned? I gotta say though, it's a little ironic that there's an ad for Zune 3.0 featuring Common on that same page...
Maxim / FHM / Stuff: I know, after what I said about Vibe, this doesn't seem to make a lot of sense. But there's a specific reason why I don't buy any of these men's entertainment mags. A few years ago, one of them had a whole column about ways to smack a girl's butt without getting in trouble. I know they're supposed to be funny and appeal to guys, but come on..that's irresponsible and shameful. And no, I never tried any of their "tips" because I'm not that type of dude...even though a few could potentially work. Hmm....
And finally, as an addendum to my "People I Hate" post, I can't believe I forgot to mention people who get on the elevator to go down one floor. If you have two working legs, there's no reason why you can't walk down one freaking flight of stairs. Instead, I have to waste a minute of my time while the elevator stops on your floor, opens and closes (do 'door close' buttons do anything??), stops again, and then opens and closes again. If you think I'm cursing you out under my breath, you're right on...take the damn stairs next time.
|Posted by doktakra on November 29, 2008 at 4:56 PM||comments (4)|
Man, how I
used to still love this song. I'd request it at every middle school dance, Bar Mitzvah, and birthday party, and then sing along and step in the name of love like Elaine Benes. My high school Project Graduation party had some kind of 'make your own music video' station, but unfortunately, they didn't have my song (shocking, since it was five years old at the time). My friend and I inexplicably settled for the Backstreet Boys' classic, "As Long as You Love Me," which to this day remains one of my worst decisions of all time...right up there with choosing a career in finance. I'm praying that all copies of that performance have been destroyed, but I'll bet my parents still have a tape laying around somewhere. Ah, good times...hold on, this will make more sense in a second.
Okay, so, I talked about "The Pickup Artist" -- a fantastic VH1 reality competition that tries to turn huge losers into studs -- last year, and I can't believe I didn't know there was a second season (see: it's the return of the mack!). Don't worry, I'm all caught up now and here to give you the breakdown. First of all, I can't begin to describe the level of unintentional comedy packed into every episode. These guys are in their mid- to late-20's, and are bigger dorks than me in the 7th grade. When you feel down about yourself, just remember that Rian is a 28-year-old virgin who's never kissed a girl and sleeps with stuffed animals, and that Brian, well, here ya go. Oh, and I can't get over the ridiculousness of the host, Mystery, who looks like he's at least seven feet tall, and dresses -- no, excuse me, "peacocks" -- like a cracked-out Andre 3000.
Keeping that in mind, there are the things I need to know:
I will leave you with the winner's favorite pickup line, which needs to be delivered in a whiny and overly excited tone: "Girls, what movie is this from? Nobody puts baby in a corner!" Good God, if I hear that crap one more time...
|Posted by doktakra on May 20, 2008 at 12:19 PM||comments (5)|
I'll be the first to admit that I've Googled some strange things...things I'm not particularly proud of....things I would deny I ever wanted to know. With that in mind, one of my favorite features of this site, is the incoming visitor tracker. Without further ado, I will now break down the recent Google searches that found my site.
I've been wondering about this for a while now -- who is Googling "doktakra?" If you know my name already, then why wouldn't you just put the ".com" at the end and come straight to the site? I don't get that, and if you're one of these people, kindly enlighten me. Anyways, I expect hits for my standard subject matter -- anything dealing with the Kings, hip-hop, and television, as well as any of the random musicians and celebrities that I discuss. So, searches for "The Office," "Michael Scott," "Hugh Laurie," and "The Wire" make sense; as do ones for A Tribe Called Quest lyrics and 2Pac albums. I'm not sure why so many people are looking for pictures of Jamie Lynn Sigler now (has she done anything since The Sopranos went off the air??), but I guess she's famous enough, and I've mentioned her in a few places here. A good number people stumbled upon my site looking for images of relatively obscure Kings players (Lionel Simmons, Ronnie Price, Doug Christie), probably because those searches don't get many results....so it's good that I was able to actually help someone find what he or she wanted.
Then there are the weird ones... I don't even want to say what one person searched for and inexplicably got my site, but let's just say that it has to do with, um, solitary lewd sexual activity....but so much worse. Of all the odd, random hits, that one easily takes the cake...we will never speak of this again.
Of course, a sizable section of my site is devoted to my favorite girl: the one and only Candace Parker. After her amazing WNBA debut with the Los Angeles Sparks (34 points, 12 rebounds, 8 assists!), I fully expected more incoming traffic than usual. But this particular influx of activity was not what I had in mind:
May 19 9:05pm candace parker nude pics
May 19 3:09am candice parker naked
May 18 6:50pm candace parker nude
May 18 3:26pm sheldon williams candace parker
May 18 11:56am candace parker
May 17 9:56pm is candace parker a virgin
May 17 8:18pm candace parker nude pics
May 17 8:16pm candace parker and sheldon williams
May 17 4:08pm candace parker nude
May 17 2:26pm candace parker naked
May 17 10:13am candace parker pictures
Note that some of these were actually done during the game on Saturday afternoon! Is the thought process here, "hmm....she's hot. I want to see her naked?" How dare you objectify Candace like that! I'm ashamed of you people, and I don't want you coming back ever again. Do you see her as another Lindsay Lohan or Kim Kardashian, walking around with no underwear, posing topless in magazines, and "accidentally" leaking a sex tape? Candace is a classy, educated young woman who plays basketball for a living and does things the right way. I was actually starting to get pissed off, until I noticed the sixth search down from the top: "is candace parker a virgin." I can't even get mad at this person -- that's high comedy. What would you do with this information? If she is, do you think you have a shot at being her first? I don't know the answer to your question for a fact -- you'd have to ask Shelden Williams for that -- but here's a hint: she's a beautiful, 22-year-old who is now engaged....um, does that help? And did you expect her to hold a press conference to address the subject of her virginity like Britney Spears (or Justine Chapin, for that matter)? Wow....just wow...and I thought I needed help.
The point is, if you found this page through any of these searches, I hope you got your answer. Anyone searching for sports, celebrity news, hip-hop, etc. -- I do what I can. To the rest of you -- do all of us a favor and stop embarassing yourself and degrading Candace, and all women, with this crap. Just remember that I know who you are from your IP address...
|Posted by doktakra on October 30, 2007 at 11:58 PM||comments (4)|
My roommate watches Saved by the Bell every morning, and I'm not
judging or anything...it's actually semi-entertaining at times.
I'm only mentioning it here because it's got me thinking about some
important things. Like, does Tiffani (Amber) Thiessen belong on my Ladies list,
or is she too far past her prime? I'm leaning towards "yes" after examining a few pictures, but I'll let my readers decide...and by that, I mean I'll have to conduct some more, um, research.
Anyways, on to the more thought-provoking topic: the state of the TV nerd. A quick disclaimer: I don't watch any shows starring nerds, like The Big Bang Theory (which I've heard is awful), nor do I care for any boring plot lines on quasi-sci-fi shows (Heroes, I'm looking at you). With that out of the way, we can begin. Now, Screech defined the stereotypical geek, and in true form, wasn't too popular with the ladies (read: got no booty). Unfortunately, two of my current favorites (in relative terms) have been pushing the boundaries of nerd reality. On Grey's, Izzie is literally fighting George's wife for the guy. Um, George? Seriously? And over on Friday Night Lights, Tyra and Landry are now longer just friends, but have started dating and...wait for it....sleeping together. Come on! I'm sorry to say it, but he is one ugly dude. Just try to disagree with me on that. So what gives? Yes, there are marginally plausiple but unmistakably BS reasons in both case, and I won't bore or blame you if you haven't been watching. But honestly, since when does one of the hottest girls in school go for a dude who's nowhere near her level by any stretch of the imagination? Sticking with the opening SBTB theme, that would be like Kelly going out with Screech, or something. It's just wrong somehow, isn't it?
Am I annoyed because this would never happen in real life, or because it's never happened in my life? Not that I'm...nevermind. No matter what, I'm just not buying it. At least the Grey's writers were smart enough to point out the absurdity of their show through Alex's displeasure and coldness. It's a slippery slope when it comes to implausible storylines, so is it a coincidence that all of these shows are now slipping?
|Posted by doktakra on September 23, 2007 at 11:05 AM||comments (0)|
So, I finally decided that it was time to quit my job a few weeks ago. If you've been a loyal reader, then you know this is a good thing for me...er, aside from the whole unemployed and sitting at home all day thing. Now, most people wouldn't leave without having another opportunity already in place, but I'm clearly not most people. I want to say that doing absolutely nothing has already gotten boring and I really miss the structure of a working day...but that's just not true. I love having the freedom to do what I want, sleep late, watch random afternoon TV, walk around the city, and as I said, do almost nothing productive.
Actually, my problem now is that I can't fall asleep before midnight, at the earliest. I used to go to bed around 11pm, and would wake up at 6am every morning. Now that timeframe has shifted some hours forward. I stay up late and obviously wake up late(r), which only bothers me because sooner or later I'll have to get back to my old routine when I find a new job. It's really hard to imagine waking up so damn early now...I don't know how I used to do it with regularity.
On another note, I picked up the new video iPod nano the other day...the one in that annoying TV ad...you know the one I'm talking about. Did I really need a new one when my old nano works perfectly? Do I have money to spend on non-necessities now that I'm jobless? I know, but I couldn't resist...now I can take my Grey's Anatomy episodes on the go! Wow, good times. It also has twice the capacity of my old one, so even with the movies and television shows, I can still fit more music than before; the screen is cleaner and brighter; and I actually like the wider shape.
But enough of my pseudo-Amazon review. What simultaneously pleases and annoys me is the Cover Flow feature, which by the way is cooler when you can flip it with your finger like on the iPhone. It looks great and all, but half of my album covers don't show up on the stupid screen, leaving a blank gray background. The two biggest reasons are that (1) iTunes has a decent but limited hip-hop selection, and doesn't recognize anything not found in the Apple Store and (2) the artist/album/song names have to be spelled exactly the way iTunes has them or they won't be recognized. If that doesn't seem like it would be a major issue, trust me, it is. I've been spending an hour or two a day trying to get all of my damn covers to show up, and I'm just about there. Why did I feel the need to go into all of this detail? Because this has been the most interesting -- if you can actually call it that -- part of my life lately.
|Posted by doktakra on April 14, 2007 at 8:04 AM||comments (6)|
I'm so glad this Don Imus controversy is finally resolved, mostly because I no longer have to see his ugly face on every TV station (seriously, he creeps the hell out of me). A lot has already been said on this tired issue, but here are my final questions and thoughts. Yes, I find his words offensive and inexcusable, but did it have to go this far? Did CBS/MSNBC fire him because they were outraged at his insensitivity, or did they cave in to public pressure and loss of corporate sponsorship? Did we need a nationally-televised press conference with entire Rutgers' team and coach acting as if some random shock-jock's poor attempt at humor single-handedly ruined an otherwise amazing season? Plus, I find it hard to believe that he somehow went too far this time in the context of some of his previous racist and bigoted remarks. By no means am I condoning any of his past or present actions, and I have no qualms with his dismissal -- I'm just saying, let's get our facts and priorities straight first.
UPDATE: I came across an intresting -- although somewhat rambling and all over the place -- column on ESPN Page 2 that explores the correlation between Imus and hip-hop. It's worth reading if you have the time.
|Posted by doktakra on February 14, 2007 at 10:38 AM||comments (1)|
Usually, I could care less about the latest celebrity gossip. At least, that's what I tell people...but if there's an US Weekly laying around in the gym, I might just pick it up and skim through it. That's normal, right? Anyways, am I the only one who's tired of the 24-hour coverage of everything Anna Nicole Smith? A 40-year-old woman's untimely death is obviously a sad and unfortunate event, but it's even further complicated when we don't know what killed her (how is this possible and/or why won't they release the cause?!); where she will be buried (let her rest already); and perhaps oddest of all, who fathered her child. To date, four men have claimed to the paternity of the daughter, each more disturbing than the next, leading my father to joke (I hope) that he should call Access Hollywood and get in on the action (yes, this actually happened). But my point is this: leave her alone!!!! After a week, I think there are more important and interesting headlines...like Tyra Banks' response to her critics.
|Posted by doktakra on September 13, 2006 at 3:10 PM||comments (3)|
In today's world of technological advances and constant electronics updates, it comes as no shock that we get the long-rumored video iPods (along with the uninspiring movie store) on the market. While it's great for people buying their first (and for those with enough money to just toss aside their "old" one), I don't really get how these can continue to sell so well. Like many people I know, I used to have the now-defunct iPod mini, until it mysteriously stopped working and only displayed the 'death frown' on its screen. A small part of me was pleased to shell out a couple of hundred for the smaller, color-LCD-screen Nano, if only to feel that I would for once have the newest and coolest music player there is. But as nice as it looks, there is no way that I'm about to get the "completely redesigned version," and I don't know how many people will (actually, I overheard several co-workers say that they are planning to get one of these new iPods very soon, but these guys are rich and spoiled). I'm not concerned about Apple's profits in the least, but how can they continue to do convince enough people to keep buying these products? Who doesn't have an iPod at this point, and who is suddenly convinced that they now can't live without one? Maybe Apple could do a trade-in system, where people have the option of turning in their previous version and paying a little extra for the latest one. But that might actually make sense to some people and cut down on compulsive shoppers who just have to have that amazing, just-released iPod...for about a month or two.