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Dear Mama

Posted by doktakra on September 2, 2009 at 11:33 AM

My family is weird. I know, everyone thinks their family's crazy and embarrassing, but I've always been terrified of bringing people over to meet my relatives. For one, they take the Russian drinking stereotype to the extreme, toasting everyone from long-lost cousins to deceased pets with shot after shot of Stolichnaya vodka.  They get into heated arguments about things that allegedly happened 30 years ago or about some senseless rumor they heard on Russian radio, occasionaly leading to someone storming out in a profane huff. My 85-year-old grandparents make embarrassing comments without even realizing it (more on this later). And then there's my great-uncle, who not only reads his fantastic Russian poetry at the dinner table, but sees nothing wrong with bursting into song regardless of where we are or who's present. He's probably the main reason why we no longer celebrate birthdays in restaurants or any other public places.  And they're also secret spies for the KGB. Okay, I made up that last part...or so you think.


You can probably guess where this is headed.  Yep, I brought Michelle to meet my folks and suffer though enjoy a glorious family birthday celebration, where she was treated to an hour and half of my parents' vacation stories and my childhood pictures (thankfully not the naked ones this time).  The undeniable highlights were the following photos of me when I was 16, decked out in an ill-fitting Dan Marino jersey and a pair of size 36 Boss jeans that were almost as big as those glasses, and living out my life dream by rocking an awesome 'fro that made me look like a rejected "Semi-Pro" extra.


 

Fortunately, most of my relatives were on their best behavior once we made it to my grandparents' apartment for dinner. My great-aunt kept conversation to minimum by making sure the guests had enough food, while my great-uncle read a half-dozen poems, but thankfully refrained from singing. Towards the end, he gave an impromptu toast for Michelle, which I attempted to loosely translate, and my grandmother chimed in to call her a "young beauty. " But because that wasn't awkward enough, after confirming that Michelle is Jewish, she suggested that the two of us should (wait for it) get married.  Sigh.  And I came so close to going an entire evening without wishing I was adopted.


When I was alone in my apartment later on that night (somehow still sober), I remembered that my mom gave me an envelope on my way out the door.  When I finally peeked inside, I found a $100 bill along with a three-word note: "Don't be cheap."  What can I say?  You gotta love family...sometimes.

Categories: Girls, Random Stuff

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9 Comments

Reply mcbias
12:34 PM on September 2, 2009 
LOL families never really stop dragging us down, do they? Just kidding, your family's eccentricities sound fun!
Reply doktakra
1:11 PM on September 2, 2009 
Ha, I'm not sure if "fun" is the word I'd use, but yeah, they keep it, um, interesting...
Reply CPIZDASHYT
12:03 AM on September 4, 2009 
LMAO @ the afro....u look kinda cute with the short hair i must admit. Michelle please don't kick my ass. Lol. Great read.
Reply doktakra
12:10 PM on September 5, 2009 
CPIZDASHYT says...
LMAO @ the afro....u look kinda cute with the short hair i must admit. Michelle please don't kick my ass. Lol. Great read.

Why, thank you. I gotta say, it would be kinda hot if the two of you started fighting over my sexy ass. Er, I'll stop now.
Reply monchhichi
7:18 PM on September 9, 2009 
This was great. Can't believe you posted the afro pic...you know ebooker already has that as his wallpaper.
Reply Monchhichi
7:19 PM on September 9, 2009 
monchhichi says...
ah, there's my lovely avatar.
Reply doktakra
10:01 AM on September 10, 2009 
monchhichi says...
This was great. Can't believe you posted the afro pic...you know ebooker already has that as his wallpaper.

Ha, ebooker has quite unfortunately posted pics that I can never, EVER erase from my memory no matter how many therapy sessions I attend.
Reply lillian
6:17 PM on January 10, 2010 
that is so cute - the part about your mother and the envelope. i heard you got engaged... congrats!
Reply doktakra
12:16 AM on January 11, 2010 
lillian says...
that is so cute - the part about your mother and the envelope. i heard you got engaged... congrats!


Thanks, Lillian. Yep, it's official now...not a lot of people know, so keep that on the DL for the time being. :)

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