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Waiting for the" SoulaCoaster"

Posted by doktakra on August 13, 2012 at 11:15 AM Comments comments (1)

Yes, I waited in line for three hours to meet R. Kelly. And yes, it was totally worth it.

As much as I make fun of Kellz for his oftentimes absurd lyrics, he remains my favorite musician, and with a half-day at work, naturally, I'd head to a downtown Barnes and Noble for his book singning.

After getting my wristband, for which I had to buy a copy of his memoir, Soulacoaster, even though I already have one at home that I'd pre-ordered on Amazon (this is why returns were invented), I took my place in line around 3pm, three hours before he was scheduled to appear. Several hundred fans were already there, sitting in camping chairs and laying down on the floor inside the store, and with the speakers blasting tracks from his latest album Write Me Back, the crowd was singing along as if it were a concert.

Almost immediately, the music was interrupted by a disappointing message: despite the event description stating that, time permitting, R. Kelly would pose for photos, his camp asked fans to not take any pictures and that the singer wouldn't personalize books or sign other items. Everyone groaned and sighed, but I could overhear several people around me say they'd still take photos and try to convince him to write an inscription. I was glad I wasn't the only one.

Surprisingly, right around 6pm, R. Kelly came out with minimal fanfare, and just about every woman collectively jumped up and down, screamed, cried and talked about how "fine" he is. Apparently, Kellz rarely does public appearances (and had actually cancelled several signings in recent weeks), so this was a huge deal to many fans who'd been hoping to meet him for as many as 20 years.

He wouldn't let them down. In typical R. Kelly fashion, he grabbed the microphone, thanked the attendees for the support, and made an announcement. Yep, he was remixing the event.

"First off, I'm gonna change all the rules," he said to the delight of the crowd. "You can take as many photos as you want."

As great as that sounded, he didn't actually change all of the rules, since he still wasn't going to personalize books, meaning any chance I had of getting him to write, "Alex – no one can rock "Ignition (Remix)" in karaoke better than you" was officially gone.

Kellz sat down, replaced his sunglasses with a pair of regular, rimless specs, and turned on the charm. He was gracious enough to talk to every one of his mostly overwhelmed fans for a few seconds, and even obliged to requests for hugs and kisses on the cheek, which caused some women to hyperventilate on the spot (seriously).

Before I knew it, I was almost at the front of the line and realized that I still wasn't sure what I'd tell him. I figured the karaoke idea was lame and unoriginal, so I blurted out the first thought that came into my head.

"I'm a huge fan," I told him. "My wife and I listened to Love Letter at least a dozen times on our honeymoon."

I immediately realized that came out wrong. Techincally, it was true, since we did play the album in our room while getting ready to go out or just relaxing, but I didn't mean it like that. Alas, I was talking to R. Kelly, so there was absolutely no other way he'd interpret those words.

"Oh," he replied, pausing for a split second. "That's what's up."

Like I said, three hours (and $30) perfectly spent.

R. Kelly Is Awesomely Absurd, Part III

Posted by doktakra on July 6, 2012 at 12:25 AM Comments comments (0)

Also See: Step in the Name of Lunacy | The Curious Case of Robert Sylvester Kelly

My appreciation for R. Kelly’s music is well-known among my friends and well-chronicled on this site. The fact is, while he’s an incredibly easy target for anyone to make fun of – “Define teenage” is one of the most hilarious answers ever given in an interview, and the Dave Chappelle skit will never stop being funny – he remains one of the best singer-songwriters in the industry.

What separates Kellz from his peers is his uncanny ability to write inspirational anthems, most notably, “I Believe I Can Fly,” and turn around and discuss his freaky escapades in vivid detail and with unabashedly raunchy metaphors. On 2007’s Double Up for instance, Kellz gave us the previously-reviewed classics “Real Talk” and “Sex Planet,” before capping the album off with a heartfelt tribute to the victims of the Virginia Tech massacre on “Rise Up.”


But on his last two albums, Kellz decided to go back in time and pay tribute to some of his musical idols – Sam Cooke, Marvin Gaye, Michael Jackson, and the like – with throwback love songs, replacing his trademark crudeness with heartfelt melodies, including the beautiful “When a Woman Loves.” Even my wife, by no means an R. Kelly fan, gladly listened to Love Letter several times while I played it from start to finish, and complimented his writing and vocal range. One of the few parts that makes me laugh is the incredibly cheesy “Love Letter (Christmas Remix),” which includes lyrics such as, “I'm just a snowman and I'm looking for a snowgirl.”

His latest album, the slightly less charming Write Me Back, does touch on somewhat more familiar R. Kelly territory with “Beautiful in This Mirror,” which is exactly what you’d think it’s about, and on “Believe That It’s So,” which turns into another stepping anthem, with Kelly proclaiming that he’s had “a little too much to drink." Still, it’s an excellent, mostly PG-rated, ‘70s inspired, disco, funk and soul album.

As an avid R&B listener, there’s nothing wrong with any of this, but as an avid R. Kelly fan, I can’t help but miss hearing him brag more about how great he is at doing really weird things I sometimes don’t even fully understand. Luckily, it appears the 45-year-old will release Black Panties later this year, which based on the title alone, should be epic.

Until then, I’ve been listening to just about every appearance Kellz has made in recent years to bring the third installment of his most ridiculous, fascinating and awesome lyrics (note: it’s usually a safe assumption that all tracks below are very NSFW).

Shut Up,Black Panties (?):

”Now, no offense to the other artists, but, come on, darling, let's be honest, how many babies been made off me? / O-M-G

Seriously, you’re gonna act like that, sit there like it ain’t no truth to that, looking at me like I ain’t talkin’ stats. / O-M-G

Every boy, every girl, every child around the world from the ‘90s until today, was made off me.”

This is terrific in so many ways. After undergoing minor tonsil surgery, which I didn’t even remember hearing about, Kellz Tweeted a link to this song as a response to the haters. Apparently, there was “a tsunami of rumors” that “wiped his career away." Whatever motivation he needs to write this stuff is cool with me. Much more importantly, Kelly gives us what he believes to be an indisputable statistic about our population – every single birth over the last 22 years happened because of him. O.M.G. indeed.


Make It Rain (Remix)” (from Fat Joe’s The Crack Era):

“I be drillin' these chicks like ‘Major Payne’ / When I make it rain, they be like, ‘Kellz, do it again’."

This song came out in 2007. Major Payne, a critically-panned movie starring Damon Wayans as a drill instructor at a prep school, was released in 1995. I’m guessing maybe a quarter of the people listening understood the reference (at most). Was Kellz flipping channels one night and just happened to catch it airing on TNT? Has he been sitting on this clever simile for a good decade, waiting for the perfect time to finally bust it out? Hopefully he addresses these important questions in his memoir, "Soulacoaster." Oh, and this probably goes without saying, but I don’t even think the line makes any sense.

"Every Girl,The "Demo" Tape:

“I like her, I like her, I like her / Wait, I like her too, I like her too / And her friend too, and her cousin too.

And her sister, and her mother / And her, her, her, her, her big grandma.”

“From the hood to the f******' industry / Even the Statue of Liberty.”

It turns out that the haters had Kellz pegged all wrong yet again. He is, in fact, not only into bagging overweight grandmothers, but is attracted to a 126-year-old monument of a woman. In fairness, she’s wearing an elegant robe, with who knows what else underneath.


Kiss Your Candy" (Unreleased):

“Girl you taste like nut chews / You’re just like a box of cherries and girl, I want to eat you”

At least, I think he's saying "nut chews" after listening to this absurd song at least a dozen times. Also, I’m not exactly sure when the track was originally written, but hearing him sing about being “like a kid in a candy store” just feels wrong regardless, considering his, um, history. Even worse, the female artist on the chorus sounds like she’s 12. Let’s move on.


"Lay It Down (Remix)” (from Lloyd’s Lay It Down: The Remixes):

“When you lay your hand on my pillow / I know, girl, this is gonna get scary like “Thriller / You gonna feel that monster get bigger.”

Here we get The Pied Piper at his best, providing a pretty terrifying and graphic metaphor, which if I understand correctly, implies that his sexual escapades may come with the threat of creepy, dancing zombies and werewolves. Yikes.

“And I ain't got no rhyme for the next part / I ain't got no rhyme for the next part / But that's okay because this is the remix."

This is hardly the first time that Kelly decides he doesn’t even care about finishing his verse -- the fantastic "Same Girl (Remix)," which also includes Kellz doing a random Michael Jackson impersonation, comes to mind -- since it’s apparently totally acceptable to put in a half-assed effort if it’s on a remix.

And on that note, it's time to end this entry, since I ain't got no time to transcribe any more R. Kelly lyrics. But that's okay, because this is my website.

R. Kelly: Step in the Name of Lunacy

Posted by doktakra on February 8, 2010 at 11:01 AM Comments comments (0)

Last year, I broke down a small sample of the most ridiculous R. Kelly lyrics I've ever heard, from his profanity-laced "REAL TALK" to his desire to propose to a buttocks.  To be fair, I'm not sure there's a single song in Kellz's extensive catalog that doesn't include some kind of head-scratching, cringe-worthy line...or ten.  The man simply has a gift for penning ill-fated sexual metaphors and similes, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I enjoy them a little too much.  If a recent acquittal on multiple child-pornography charges didn't stop him from bringing the crazy, then clearly, nothing ever will.  Here is Part II of this immensely enjoyable (at least for me) exercise in absurdity.

"Customer (Remix)" (from Raheem DeVaughn's Love Behind the Melody):  As the title suggests, the two singers allow a female customer to order various items from their respective menus.  Perhaps you can overlook Kelly referring to himself as "Chef Boy-R. Kellz" and claiming that that he'll "put that roast in your oven," but he, of all people, wouldn't dare go there, would he?  Yes, yes he would -- "shorty, if you're thirsty, I got some good, good lemonade."  Wow...just wow.

"In the Kitchen," TP.3 Reloaded:  Another song, another masterful display of storytelling:  "Sex in the kitchen over by the stove / Put you on the counter by the buttered rolls / Hands on the table, on your tippy toes / We'll be making love like the restaurant was closed."  Nothing out of the ordinary, really -- until Kellz blurts out, "Girl, I'm rea-dy to toss your sa-lad!!" at the 1:52 mark.  That, even after all of this time, I did not see coming.

"Pregnant," Untitled:  The self-proclaimed sexasaurus cuts to the chase within the first five seconds of this remarkable ode to child-bearing: “Girl I want to get you pregnant -- knock you up!”  You see, when a player find a woman with "an unbelievable booty," who's "more than a mistress," he must "handle [his] business and put that girl in [his] kitchen."  Truer words have never been spoken.  I still can't decide if I find this song to be brilliant, humiliating, uplifting, embarrassing, unreal, and/or genius.  Although, maybe this is just me, but despite Kellz's best intentions to make this a sensual slow jam, I'd be a little hesitant to have this playing in the background if I brought a woman into my bedroom.

Also of note is the unexpected reappearance of Tyrese, who almost outshines Kellz by apparently thinking it's 2001 and telling the object of his affections, "I can have you co-starring and get in one of my new movies ... I can make you famous."  Sure you can, Ty...sure you can.


"Echo," Untitled:  Inexplicably yodeling at the end of 1997's "Can We Get Up On a Room" (R) was obviously not enough, as Kellz decided it was time to bring back the lost art form a dozen years later on the chorus of his latest single.  Like I've said all along, alpine exuberance is exactly what contemporary R&B has been missing:  "Yo-de-lay, yo-de-lay, yo-de-lay hoo-hoo / Got you sounding like you're screaming from a mountain peak."  Only in R. Kelly's universe is yodeling a sexual aphrodisiac, but rest assured, he very clearly explains his reasoning.


"Whole Lotta Kisses," Untitled:  I almost skipped over this generic and relatively boring track, but listened long enough to be treated to one of Kelly's stranger comparisons:  "Bury myself all in you, as if you were my grave."  Wait, what??  I'm no king of R&B, but I can't think of a more guaranteed mood killer during a make-out session than that.

Well, unless you attempt to compare a woman's love to going to church -- she's even "got a n***a waking up extra early on Sunday" (!) -- and then tell her that she reminds you of your mother, both of which Kellz does within a span of a minute on "Religious" (I guess he forgot that he already broached this topic on 1995's "Religious Love").  Sigh, it's like he's not even trying sometimes.

Look, if Kellz is going to remake his own tracks, can Usher (or anyone more relevant than Trey Songz) diss him so we get another version of the indescribable "I'm A Beast?"

The Curious Case of Robert Sylvester Kelly

Posted by doktakra on March 27, 2009 at 10:28 AM Comments comments (11)

I'm fascinated by R., his music, not any of those extracurricular activities.  I remember getting the cassette single for "I Can't Sleep Baby (If I)" after hearing it on MTV Jamz with Bill Bellamy way back in 1996, and getting hooked on Kellz.  But I sometimes wonder if he's in on the joke, or if he really thinks "Trapped in the Closest' is a work of genius and not unfathomably absurd and unintentionally hilarious.  Now, I can just copy and paste the lyrics to the 22 (and counting) chapters and call it a day, but instead, I present to you, the most ridiculous R. Kelly songs I've ever heard that don't involve midgets and nosy neighbors.  Most of these come from his recent albums (Double Up is epic) leading me to believe that he's slowly getting more and more insane in his forties (!).


"Real Talk," Double Up:   I don't think I realized the extent of R. Kelly's insanity before I heard this song and saw the (YouTube exclusive!) video.  He strolls around like a damn fool with his partly-braided hair, while we get to hear his side of a conversation with a woman.  This consists of him cursing her out for three solid minutes (language warning, obviously). He doesn't bother staying on beat or rhyming half the time, and just in case we forget, he keeps reminding us that it's "REAL TALK!"  Sample 'lyrics,' which really need to be heard to get the full experience:

"F*** me? Girl, f*** you! / I dont give a f*** about what you're talking about."

"I'm sick of this bulls*** / Coming home and getting my s*** and gettin' the f*** up out in a Dodge."

"The next time your ass get horny, go f*** one of your funky-ass friends / Hell yeah, you probably doing that s*** anyway."  (note: this might be my favorite R. Kelly line ever)

Um, yeah...I have no words.  And if that's not enough, there's a (clearly staged) fight at the end and he mercifully tells the cameraman to stop filming this mess.

"Sex Planet,''  Double Up:  If you can get past him talking about "getting close to a fine-ass chick," in the intro, you'll get treated to Kellz's best spaceship metaphors.  It's starts out innocently enough, but then he takes it way too far, even by his standards: "I'm about to twinkle and touch your soul / Once I am touring to your black hole," and "Girl, I promise this will be painless / We're gonna make a trip to planet Uranus" are my personal faves.  I mean, I don't think these lines were clever in middle school.

"The Zoo," Double Up:  Kellz saves some of his fanciest come-ons for this one: ''I got you so wet, it's like a rainforest / Like Jurassic Park, except I'm your sexosaurus, babe."  I'm taking furious notes.  And how does he see nothing wrong with having monkey noises in the background?

"I'm a Flirt," Double Up:  It's catchy and became a huge Billboard hit, but I have no idea what he's talking about here:

"Yeah, homey, you say she yo' girlfriend / But when I step up to her I'ma be like, 'cousin'" -- What???

"Just soon as she go to the bathroom, playa I'm gon holla at her"  -- Um...didn't you just face some serious charges for doing that stuff?

"She be callin' me 'daddy,' and I be callin' her 'mommy' / She be callin' you Kelly, when yo' name is Tommy" -- Interesting, but wouldn't she call Tommy, "daddy" if we go by that logic?  Or did I miss the whole point?  Is there a point??

"Ignition (Remix)," Chocolate Factory:  I thought it was a self-parody when I first heard it ("now usually I don't do this"), but now, I'm not so sure.  I could just quote the whole song here, but here are a few choices lyrics. "You must be a football coach / The way you got me playin' the field" has to rank among the worst pick-up lines of all-time, and "Now it's like Murder She Wrote / Once I get you out them clothes," leaves me scratching my head every time.  Is Kellz is a huge Angela Landsury fan?  Somehow, I doubt that...but you know what, let's just move on.

"F*** You Tonight:" This is actually a smooth Notorious B.I.G. track from Life After Death, but I'm mentioning it because it contains the following unfortunately homoerotic line from the Pied Piper himself:  "B.I.G. / bring that ass to me!"  I don't know was he was going for there, and I'm a little frightened.  Also of note is Kellz's guest appearance on T-Pain's "I'm 'N Luv Wit A Stripper (Remix) -- a work of brilliance in its own right -- where he charms a lady with his seductive side.  "I must be the first man to ever fall in love with an ass / gonna bend down on my knees, and ask that ass to marry me ... I wanna stick it, wanna kiss it /  If I could, I'd put my whole damn head in it."  Um, I don't recommend doing either of those things, but that's just me.

"Might Be Mine," 12 Play: 4th Quarter:  Kellz insists "this is a true story," as if there's anything he could say possibly say that I wouldn't believe at this point.  The song is about a call he receives from an attorney representing a stripper who's pregnant with this child.  I don't even know where to begin here.  First of all, in typical Kelly fashion, it sounds like he's just reading a transcript of the phone call ("Then said, "who's this again"  / He took a breath and said, "you heard me the first time").  And second, you'd think a 40-year-old man wouldn't drop gems like, "I went on to tell 'em that I hit it raw."  The chorus confirms that he in fact didn't use protection, and informs us that while "there's a very good chance that it might be [his]", he "[doesn't] even like this girl!"

"Feelin' On Your Booty," TP2:  The subject matter doesn't even phase me and it wouldn't make the list if Kellz didn't start scatting, "booga-booga-boo-tee!" at the end before cracking himself up Jimmy Fallon-style.  He also inexplicably decides to yodel at the 3:40 mark of "Can We Get Up On a Room" (R), which almost ruins an otherwise nice slow jam for me.


"I Like the Crotch on You," 12 Play:  For the name alone...ugh.  I'm sure I missed a few, but I'm starting to talk like R. Kelly in my head, and that can't be a good thing for anyone.

Fan Mail

Posted by doktakra on October 16, 2008 at 7:53 AM Comments comments (5)

I know what you're thinking, and I'm a little surprised myself.  On a good day, this site gets a meager 300 comparison, the prominent sports blogs get several hundred thousand visitors on a daily basis.  Obviously, my site doesn't offer breaking news stories, and few people care about my opinion on, well, anything.  But I guess there is a small niche that know all I have in this world, are balls and my world.  So, I appreciate that some people have taken the time to actually write in and give me a couple of thoughts.  Here is my first all-reader mailbag, with actual emails I've received over the last month (I'll keep these anonymous for now).  I may have gotten the idea from Bill Simmons, but this won't be nearly as long....or interesting, for that matter...haha.

Q:  I like the site but I don't get why don't you have more sports content?  I think you should do a Kings blog or just a general sports one.  Good job overall.

Thank you for the kind words.  Well, I used to have a Kings blog on this site several years ago, back when it was primarily a Sacramento fan page.  The thing is, I live in New York, and any of my observations would rely on televised games (still haven't decided if I wanna get League Pass again), online recaps and boxscores, and other blogs.  Obviously, the Sacramento Bee does an excellent job of covering just about everything you could ask for, and Sactown Royalty is fantastic.  In short, I don't know what I could really offer to intice Kings fans to come here for that reason.

This seems like the perfect time, however, to promote a new project.  A few prominent Deadspin commenters (FEAST and Sports-Pun) and I have started a new NBA humor blog:  There are already several entries, which are pretty damn funny, if I may say so myself.  These two guys are much more creative and imaginative than I can ever be, so even if you think I'm as bad as Matthew Berry, just take a look.  Now there's a ringing endorsement!

Q:  dude - the hip hop pages are hot and i can tell you know your sh*t.  but your ipod selection is whack!!  r.kelly? some garbage pop bands?  start listening to real music.

Hmmm....that's a fair assessment.  See, here's the deal -- I probably own more hip-hop and R&B albums than just about anyone.  I buy new releases almost every week, and listen to all kinds of underground artists.  But you know what happens?  I don't really understand this phenomenon, but I end up going back to the same old songs over and over again.  I mostly listen to my iPod when I'm at the gym, so those tracks you see are more or less my workout playlist.  You mention R. Kelly, who's my favorite R&B singer (seriously, and I don't care about the peeing or anythning).  Ignition (Remix) is not only upbeat and catchy, but it's unintentionally hilarious.  Some alternative/pop music has grown on me as of late, as I touched on here.  I guess I do have a lot of non-rap stuff on there...maybe it's time I updated the list and made myself look a little cooler...nah....

Q:  If you have a web site business selling products and services, then we can help you with internet marketing! We have helped thousands of companies to succeed on the web with our successful internet marketing and online advertising services. Now you can put these same services to work for your online business. Click the links on this page to get started now...

Yeah, I realize this is an advertisement, but it came to my inbox under "Feedback for," so someone clicked on my contact link.  I don't really care for these marketing tactics, but if you would like to have your ad placed on this site, please let me know.  As I mentioned, those 300+ visitors per day means close to 10,000 per month, so you never know....haha.  The day I get a sponsor, is the day I know I've sold out...and I'm okay with this. 

Q:  Simple question.  What's up with the Candace Parker stuff?

Haven't you ever been obsessed with someone you've never met in person, and devoted a large portion of your time to thinking about her, constantly searching for new pictures, posting numerous blog entries about how much you love her, and sitting outside of her apartment with binoculars?  Er...scratch the last one.  I guess that doesn't really answer your question then...sorry, I got nothing.

Q:  Hi.  My name is Amanda and if you're looking for a good time check out my webcam on...

Um....hey, Amanda, if that is your real name.  Please don't use my website to send me this trash...but if you're gonna do that, at least include compromising pictures in the email body so I don't have to sit there and contemplate clicking on the link.  Until we meet again....

Subway Shopping

Posted by doktakra on May 22, 2007 at 2:36 PM Comments comments (4)

I love it when I see those guys selling bootleg DVDs on the subway.  I don't really know why, but they always make me smile.  Not that I've ever bought anything from them -- I just like the way the dude rushes down the middle of the train car chanting, "five dollar, five dollar."  I already know that I'm a bad person, so save it.

But there was an unexpected twist yesterday, when a pair of new characters entered the premises.  The speaker of the two laid out his sales pitch, which began with:  "They told you that nobody beats the Wiz, but they were wrong!"  You can't make this stuff up.  I was the only one to laugh out loud, probably because I was also the only one paying attention, but come on!  Did this guy just wake up from a six-year coma?  Maybe he happened to catch that old Sienfeld episode the night before?  Because I remember The Wiz going out of business when I was starting my freshman year of college in 2001. 

Needless to say, he made no sales, although I was slightly intrigued when he announced he had "anything and everything, from Spiderman to R. Kelly In Concert."  I briefly contemplated asking if he had the (alleged) R. Kelly sex tape -- um, as a joke, not because I wanted to watch it...again -- but then decided against it.  I figured it would've been worse than the time I asked my swimming instructor if the pool had that chemical which turns urine purple in the water.  This was last week...I wish I was joking.  Er, I may have said too much.