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Mr. T Still Pities Fools

Posted by doktakra on March 12, 2010 at 1:43 PM Comments comments (0)

It's hard to believe that it's been over 25 years since Mr. T made his groundbreaking debut as Clubber Lang in Rocky III or that he's only made sporadic TV show and movie appearances since The A-Team last aired in 1987.   That's probably because this helluva tough man has never met an endorsement deal he didn't like, lending his name to all kinds of embarrassing advertisements and merchandise.  It's now gotten to the point where it's difficult to not be pitied by Mr. T, when he continues to insult fools who, among many other things, don't eat Snickers, play World of Warcraft, buy Hitachi Data Systems, wear Hanes double tough socks, or use his Flavorwave Oven.  

After sifting through over 3,000 of his products on eBay, I've decided to highlight a few of my favorite finds, all of which encompass his trademark mohawk, gold jewelry, and of course, the hilarious, but never outplayed catchphrases.  And if you're wondering, Michelle has forbidden me from buying any of these, which is somewhat understandable since I already own two dozen Rocky figures (not dolls, as her father calls them).  Let's get to it.


Mr. T's Water War
:  From what I understand, you hook this Mr. T head to a hose, and wait for one of your friends to run in front of it (or for a neighbor to walk over to find out why the hell there's a Mr. T head on your lawn).  You then hurl a wet sponge at Mr. T's head (note: I don't recommend throwing anything at Mr. T, under any circumstances), and he humiliates the person by squirting water into the sucka's face.  That'll team 'em to quit their jibba jabber.

Mr T. Super Teeny Bouncers
:   When you're as comfortable with your masculinity as Mr. T, there's no reason why you can't endorse a product that claims your balls are not only super teeny, but also "unbelievably bouncy."  I'm pretty sure most of us would've been okay without knowing either of those facts.

Mr. T Gold Chain Bubble Gum
: That's right, chewy wonderfulness apparently shaped like one of Mr. T's chains. From the looks of it, the flavor is actually "gold chain." He even manages to push his other merchandise on the packaging, informing us that he "pities the fool that passes up the offer on the back." Of course he does.


Mr. T Chia Pet
:  If you're anything like me, then you've undoubtedly dreamed of growing a mohawk, but couldn't do it on your own head without being ridiculed by your friends and likely fired from your job. Problem solved!  Originally given to a select few during a 1996 TV Land promotion, it now goes for around $40 in mint condition.  A bargain, if you ask me.

Mr. T Cereal
:  When Mr. T insists that "it's cool" about 14 times in the commercial, you figure it has to be pretty damn awesome.  The problem is that the cereal is nothing more than plain, yellow T-shaped "Cap'n Crunch" pieces.  Now, if it had marshmallow Mr. T heads, then you'd better believe I'd eat a bowl right now.  I wouldn't even care that it was discontinued shortly after it was released in 1984.

Mr. T Air Freshener
:  I'll admit this air freshener is a hell of a lot more intimidating than one of those wimpy pine trees.  But as nice as it would be to have Mr. T's scent with me at all times, I'm not sure I want my car to smell like a large, sweaty man...well, more so than it does already.

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Mr. T's Commandments
:  On the heels of his motivational video,  "Be Somebody...or Be Somebody's Fool! (best title ever?), Mr. T released a seven-track children's rap album.  Along with memorable hits like the jazz-influenced, "The Toughest Man in the World," "No Dope, No Drugs," and the touching "Mr. T, Mr. T (He Was Made for Love)," it includes the indescribable, "Treat Your Mother Right."  Go ahead and watch this video I guaranteed it'll be the best three minutes of your day.  



Mr. T Eraser
: I couldn't find one in the original packaging, so I don't know if the legs are sold separately from the inexplicably pale and creepy torso. Nor can I confirm (but strongly suspect) the tag line is, "I pity the fool who makes mistakes!"


Mr. T Rubber Duckie
:  I won't lie, I'd be a little frightened to get into the tub next to one of these things myself, much less allow my child to get within 10 feet of it.  But if you dare, I'd recommend getting this fantastic Mr. T Soap on a Rope to complement your bathing experience and wash your armpits with his face.


Mr. T Super Hero Disguise / Mr. T Pez Dispenser
:  Gah, it can see into my soul!  Good luck sleeping tonight...