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R. Kelly Is Awesomely Absurd, Part III

Posted by doktakra on July 6, 2012 at 12:25 AM

Also See: Step in the Name of Lunacy | The Curious Case of Robert Sylvester Kelly

My appreciation for R. Kelly’s music is well-known among my friends and well-chronicled on this site. The fact is, while he’s an incredibly easy target for anyone to make fun of – “Define teenage” is one of the most hilarious answers ever given in an interview, and the Dave Chappelle skit will never stop being funny – he remains one of the best singer-songwriters in the industry.

What separates Kellz from his peers is his uncanny ability to write inspirational anthems, most notably, “I Believe I Can Fly,” and turn around and discuss his freaky escapades in vivid detail and with unabashedly raunchy metaphors. On 2007’s Double Up for instance, Kellz gave us the previously-reviewed classics “Real Talk” and “Sex Planet,” before capping the album off with a heartfelt tribute to the victims of the Virginia Tech massacre on “Rise Up.”


But on his last two albums, Kellz decided to go back in time and pay tribute to some of his musical idols – Sam Cooke, Marvin Gaye, Michael Jackson, and the like – with throwback love songs, replacing his trademark crudeness with heartfelt melodies, including the beautiful “When a Woman Loves.” Even my wife, by no means an R. Kelly fan, gladly listened to Love Letter several times while I played it from start to finish, and complimented his writing and vocal range. One of the few parts that makes me laugh is the incredibly cheesy “Love Letter (Christmas Remix),” which includes lyrics such as, “I'm just a snowman and I'm looking for a snowgirl.”

His latest album, the slightly less charming Write Me Back, does touch on somewhat more familiar R. Kelly territory with “Beautiful in This Mirror,” which is exactly what you’d think it’s about, and on “Believe That It’s So,” which turns into another stepping anthem, with Kelly proclaiming that he’s had “a little too much to drink." Still, it’s an excellent, mostly PG-rated, ‘70s inspired, disco, funk and soul album.

As an avid R&B listener, there’s nothing wrong with any of this, but as an avid R. Kelly fan, I can’t help but miss hearing him brag more about how great he is at doing really weird things I sometimes don’t even fully understand. Luckily, it appears the 45-year-old will release Black Panties later this year, which based on the title alone, should be epic.

Until then, I’ve been listening to just about every appearance Kellz has made in recent years to bring the third installment of his most ridiculous, fascinating and awesome lyrics (note: it’s usually a safe assumption that all tracks below are very NSFW).

Shut Up,Black Panties (?):

”Now, no offense to the other artists, but, come on, darling, let's be honest, how many babies been made off me? / O-M-G

Seriously, you’re gonna act like that, sit there like it ain’t no truth to that, looking at me like I ain’t talkin’ stats. / O-M-G

Every boy, every girl, every child around the world from the ‘90s until today, was made off me.”

This is terrific in so many ways. After undergoing minor tonsil surgery, which I didn’t even remember hearing about, Kellz Tweeted a link to this song as a response to the haters. Apparently, there was “a tsunami of rumors” that “wiped his career away." Whatever motivation he needs to write this stuff is cool with me. Much more importantly, Kelly gives us what he believes to be an indisputable statistic about our population – every single birth over the last 22 years happened because of him. O.M.G. indeed.


Make It Rain (Remix)” (from Fat Joe’s The Crack Era):

“I be drillin' these chicks like ‘Major Payne’ / When I make it rain, they be like, ‘Kellz, do it again’."

This song came out in 2007. Major Payne, a critically-panned movie starring Damon Wayans as a drill instructor at a prep school, was released in 1995. I’m guessing maybe a quarter of the people listening understood the reference (at most). Was Kellz flipping channels one night and just happened to catch it airing on TNT? Has he been sitting on this clever simile for a good decade, waiting for the perfect time to finally bust it out? Hopefully he addresses these important questions in his memoir, "Soulacoaster." Oh, and this probably goes without saying, but I don’t even think the line makes any sense.

"Every Girl,The "Demo" Tape:

“I like her, I like her, I like her / Wait, I like her too, I like her too / And her friend too, and her cousin too.

And her sister, and her mother / And her, her, her, her, her big grandma.”

“From the hood to the f******' industry / Even the Statue of Liberty.”

It turns out that the haters had Kellz pegged all wrong yet again. He is, in fact, not only into bagging overweight grandmothers, but is attracted to a 126-year-old monument of a woman. In fairness, she’s wearing an elegant robe, with who knows what else underneath.


Kiss Your Candy" (Unreleased):

“Girl you taste like nut chews / You’re just like a box of cherries and girl, I want to eat you”

At least, I think he's saying "nut chews" after listening to this absurd song at least a dozen times. Also, I’m not exactly sure when the track was originally written, but hearing him sing about being “like a kid in a candy store” just feels wrong regardless, considering his, um, history. Even worse, the female artist on the chorus sounds like she’s 12. Let’s move on.


"Lay It Down (Remix)” (from Lloyd’s Lay It Down: The Remixes):

“When you lay your hand on my pillow / I know, girl, this is gonna get scary like “Thriller / You gonna feel that monster get bigger.”

Here we get The Pied Piper at his best, providing a pretty terrifying and graphic metaphor, which if I understand correctly, implies that his sexual escapades may come with the threat of creepy, dancing zombies and werewolves. Yikes.

“And I ain't got no rhyme for the next part / I ain't got no rhyme for the next part / But that's okay because this is the remix."

This is hardly the first time that Kelly decides he doesn’t even care about finishing his verse -- the fantastic "Same Girl (Remix)," which also includes Kellz doing a random Michael Jackson impersonation, comes to mind -- since it’s apparently totally acceptable to put in a half-assed effort if it’s on a remix.

And on that note, it's time to end this entry, since I ain't got no time to transcribe any more R. Kelly lyrics. But that's okay, because this is my website.

Categories: R. Kelly

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