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The Curious Case of Robert Sylvester Kelly

Posted by doktakra on March 27, 2009 at 10:28 AM

I'm fascinated by R., his music, not any of those extracurricular activities.  I remember getting the cassette single for "I Can't Sleep Baby (If I)" after hearing it on MTV Jamz with Bill Bellamy way back in 1996, and getting hooked on Kellz.  But I sometimes wonder if he's in on the joke, or if he really thinks "Trapped in the Closest' is a work of genius and not unfathomably absurd and unintentionally hilarious.  Now, I can just copy and paste the lyrics to the 22 (and counting) chapters and call it a day, but instead, I present to you, the most ridiculous R. Kelly songs I've ever heard that don't involve midgets and nosy neighbors.  Most of these come from his recent albums (Double Up is epic) leading me to believe that he's slowly getting more and more insane in his forties (!).


"Real Talk," Double Up:   I don't think I realized the extent of R. Kelly's insanity before I heard this song and saw the (YouTube exclusive!) video.  He strolls around like a damn fool with his partly-braided hair, while we get to hear his side of a conversation with a woman.  This consists of him cursing her out for three solid minutes (language warning, obviously). He doesn't bother staying on beat or rhyming half the time, and just in case we forget, he keeps reminding us that it's "REAL TALK!"  Sample 'lyrics,' which really need to be heard to get the full experience:

"F*** me? Girl, f*** you! / I dont give a f*** about what you're talking about."

"I'm sick of this bulls*** / Coming home and getting my s*** and gettin' the f*** up out in a Dodge."

"The next time your ass get horny, go f*** one of your funky-ass friends / Hell yeah, you probably doing that s*** anyway."  (note: this might be my favorite R. Kelly line ever)

Um, yeah...I have no words.  And if that's not enough, there's a (clearly staged) fight at the end and he mercifully tells the cameraman to stop filming this mess.

"Sex Planet,''  Double Up:  If you can get past him talking about "getting close to a fine-ass chick," in the intro, you'll get treated to Kellz's best spaceship metaphors.  It's starts out innocently enough, but then he takes it way too far, even by his standards: "I'm about to twinkle and touch your soul / Once I am touring to your black hole," and "Girl, I promise this will be painless / We're gonna make a trip to planet Uranus" are my personal faves.  I mean, I don't think these lines were clever in middle school.

"The Zoo," Double Up:  Kellz saves some of his fanciest come-ons for this one: ''I got you so wet, it's like a rainforest / Like Jurassic Park, except I'm your sexosaurus, babe."  I'm taking furious notes.  And how does he see nothing wrong with having monkey noises in the background?

"I'm a Flirt," Double Up:  It's catchy and became a huge Billboard hit, but I have no idea what he's talking about here:

"Yeah, homey, you say she yo' girlfriend / But when I step up to her I'ma be like, 'cousin'" -- What???

"Just soon as she go to the bathroom, playa I'm gon holla at her"  -- Um...didn't you just face some serious charges for doing that stuff?

"She be callin' me 'daddy,' and I be callin' her 'mommy' / She be callin' you Kelly, when yo' name is Tommy" -- Interesting, but wouldn't she call Tommy, "daddy" if we go by that logic?  Or did I miss the whole point?  Is there a point??

"Ignition (Remix)," Chocolate Factory:  I thought it was a self-parody when I first heard it ("now usually I don't do this"), but now, I'm not so sure.  I could just quote the whole song here, but here are a few choices lyrics. "You must be a football coach / The way you got me playin' the field" has to rank among the worst pick-up lines of all-time, and "Now it's like Murder She Wrote / Once I get you out them clothes," leaves me scratching my head every time.  Is Kellz is a huge Angela Landsury fan?  Somehow, I doubt that...but you know what, let's just move on.

"F*** You Tonight:" This is actually a smooth Notorious B.I.G. track from Life After Death, but I'm mentioning it because it contains the following unfortunately homoerotic line from the Pied Piper himself:  "B.I.G. / bring that ass to me!"  I don't know was he was going for there, and I'm a little frightened.  Also of note is Kellz's guest appearance on T-Pain's "I'm 'N Luv Wit A Stripper (Remix) -- a work of brilliance in its own right -- where he charms a lady with his seductive side.  "I must be the first man to ever fall in love with an ass / gonna bend down on my knees, and ask that ass to marry me ... I wanna stick it, wanna kiss it /  If I could, I'd put my whole damn head in it."  Um, I don't recommend doing either of those things, but that's just me.

"Might Be Mine," 12 Play: 4th Quarter:  Kellz insists "this is a true story," as if there's anything he could say possibly say that I wouldn't believe at this point.  The song is about a call he receives from an attorney representing a stripper who's pregnant with this child.  I don't even know where to begin here.  First of all, in typical Kelly fashion, it sounds like he's just reading a transcript of the phone call ("Then said, "who's this again"  / He took a breath and said, "you heard me the first time").  And second, you'd think a 40-year-old man wouldn't drop gems like, "I went on to tell 'em that I hit it raw."  The chorus confirms that he in fact didn't use protection, and informs us that while "there's a very good chance that it might be [his]", he "[doesn't] even like this girl!"

"Feelin' On Your Booty," TP2:  The subject matter doesn't even phase me and it wouldn't make the list if Kellz didn't start scatting, "booga-booga-boo-tee!" at the end before cracking himself up Jimmy Fallon-style.  He also inexplicably decides to yodel at the 3:40 mark of "Can We Get Up On a Room" (R), which almost ruins an otherwise nice slow jam for me.


"I Like the Crotch on You," 12 Play:  For the name alone...ugh.  I'm sure I missed a few, but I'm starting to talk like R. Kelly in my head, and that can't be a good thing for anyone.

Categories: Music Reviews, The Questions, R. Kelly

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10:50 AM on March 27, 2009 
...a hot mess...R. Kelly im referring to lol. he got some good songs and some absolutely
terrible ones. "I Can't Sleep..." is one of my faves too. "Girl I musta been carazay, to say that
it was ova!" now i have it stuck in my head....
Reply Sean
8:35 PM on March 30, 2009 
how many brain cells did you lose doing this? funny stuff!
Reply hotstuff
9:11 PM on April 30, 2009 
ignition was my ish bak in elementary skool...n trapped in the closet is crazy funny...its is r. mess is wat he is..smh
Reply doktakra
7:50 PM on May 1, 2009 
...a hot mess...R. Kelly im referring to lol. he got some good songs and some absolutely
terrible ones. "I Can't Sleep..." is one of my faves too. "Girl I musta been carazay, to say that
it was ova!" now i have it stuck in my head.... of my favorites songs of all time, along with the remix. Say what you will about the man, but he writes some damn good music.
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